: . skip to main skip to sidebar Sunday , August 16, 2009 Be careful where you . pee A little old lady is walking down the street , dragging two plastic Garbage bags with her , one in each hand . There's a hole in one of the bags , and every once in a while a 20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement . Noticing this , a policeman stops her . Ma'am , there are 20 bills falling out of that bag . Damn says the little old lady . I'd better go back and see if I can still find some . Thanks for the warning Well , now , not so fast , says the cop . How did you get all that money You didn't steal it , did you Oh , no says the little old lady . You see , my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium . Each time there's a game , a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes , right into my flower beds So , I go and stand behind the bushes with my big hedge clipper , and each time someone starts to do his business through the bushes , I put up the hedge clippers and say : 20 or off it comes Hey , not a bad idea laughs the cop . OK , good luck By the way , what's in the other bag Well says the little old lady , not all of them pay . : Reactions 0 comments : Post a Comment NewerMy wife gave me an SUV for my 70th birthday yesterday. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!": . skip to main skip to sidebar Friday , August 14, 2009 Why I fired my . secretary Last week was my 60th birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning . I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say , Happy Birthday and possibly have a small present for me . As it turned out , she barely said good morning , let alone Happy Birthday . I thought . Well , that's marriage for you , but the kids . They will remember . My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word . So when I left for the office , I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent . As I walked into my office , my secretary Jane said , Good Morning Boss , and by the way Happy Birthday It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered . I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said , You know , It's such a beautiful day outside , and it is your Birthday , what do you say we go out to lunch , just you and me . I said , Thanks , Jane , that's the greatest thing I've heard all day . Let's go We went to lunch . But we didn't go where we normally would go . She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table . We had two martinisIf my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently. But here's the worst of it -- Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires. CASH FOR CLUNKERS... I QUALIFY - How about You? c2003 Linda S Amstutz. Visit Linda's Blog - http://anotherlinda.blogspot.com/My grandmother died in the 60's, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk... Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand motherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.' 'How come, Grandma?' I asked her. She answered in her soft Irish voice, 'Makes your dick look bigger.' ...Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?What I've learned in life is that the people you care most about are taken away from you way too soon... and the one's you hate never seem to go away. Carry on.: . skip to main skip to sidebar Tuesday , August 11, 2009 The mailman's last day on the . job It was the mailmans last day on the job after 35 years of carring the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighorhood . When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there , who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope . At the second house they presented him with a fine box of cigars . The folks at the third house presented him with a selection of terrific fishing lures . At the fourth house he was met at the door by a very beautiful woman in a revealing negiligee . She took him by the hand , and gently led through the door , and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced . When he had enough they went downstairs , where she fixed him a giant breakfast , eggs , potatoes , ham , blueberry waffles , and fresh squeezed orange juice . When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming hot coffee . As she was pouring , he noticed a dollar bill under his cup , all this is too wonderful for words , he said , but what is the dollar for . WellYeah - check out the rack on that Longhorn! Yeeeehawwww....When my grandmother was in her late nineties, she decided to move to Israel. As part of the preparations, she went to see her doctor and get all her charts. The doctor asked her how she was doing, so she gave him the litany of complaints -- this hurts, that's stiff, I'm tireder and slower, etc., etc., etc. He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?" My grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, ... "Anyone who's 99."Editors note: I just want to know who the bastard was that cropped this photo.: . skip to main skip to sidebar Friday , August 7, 2009 The AMA has weighed in on the new Health Care Incentives from the Obama Admininstration . The Allergists voted to scratch it , but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves . The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it , but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve . The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception , and the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted . The Pathologists yelled , Over my dead body while the Pediatricians said , Oh , Grow up Oncologists fear it's malignant , while Osteopaths see it as holistic . The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness , while the Radiologists could see right through it . Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing . The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow , and the Plastic Surgeons said , This puts a whole new face on the matter . The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward , but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea . The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas , and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no . In the end , the